Maybe It’s the Music…

October 21, 2008 at 3:46 am 1 comment

I’m listening to Neil Young right now, singing “One of these days”. This cd takes my little mind right back to one of the many, many nights Michael and I went out in the Mustang (moment of silence in memory of such a great car…….)

The song talks about writing a long letter to the good friends he’s known. Now, that’s not something I would ever do. I am a verbal person. I love to tell people what they mean to me. But writing a long letter? Nope. I don’t even write thank you notes well.

I try to justify such a social faux pas by telling myself that I remember everything anyone gave me, and I usually tell them thank you to their face numerous times throughout my life with them, so it’s okay.

But it’s not.

People like to get notes. I do. I always like reading a thank you note, but then I feel bad for the poor soul that has to write them.

I didn’t mean to talk about thank you notes. Maybe I have a guilty conscience.

Back on track…hearing the song made me wonder if the people I love know that I love them. I think they do. I say it. I blog it. I try to call, email, text, facebook, and basically stay in touch. I don’t make road trips like I should, because hello, Aidan, Molly and Paisley. But if someone I loved was in need, I’d be there, I hope.

As my mind meanders around letting people know I love them, I eventually get to pondering on friendship. Am I a good friend? Do I do everything I can to make and keep friends? Do I make new friends easily? Do I accept others? If I really consider these questions and say no to any of them, then there is work to be done.

My family has always been numero uno in my life. Michael is the best friend I’ve ever had. My mom was always my BFF growing up. I have tons and tons of acquaintances, but after Michael and my mom and maybe a few others, do I have good relationships? I’m really asking myself these questions…and therefore they end up here for you to consider too. But this is mostly for self-evaluation.

I’ve joked about wanting to have my funeral before I die. I say it’s because I’d get a chance to say goodbye, but mostly it’s because I’d like to know who would show up. Don’t say you haven’t thought about that. I’m just loony enough to say it publicly. But seriously, would anybody care? Have I loved people enough? Have I left any kind of reminder of being a good friend?

Michael says I love freely and fiercely. He says I love deeply, and sometimes that hurts when others don’t love me back the same way. But the way I see it is that it’s worth the risk. I self-evaluate all the time so I can be better. If I know I’m becoming a better friend, then I can love with all my heart and if it’s rejected for any reason, then I know I didn’t purposely do anything wrong.

Friendships are tricky things to navigate. I mean, there are so many factors. Things in common, where you are in life, beliefs and values, all of those things and more determine who you choose to let into your life. I’ve discovered that no matter how old you are, it’s scary territory when you just want somebody to hang out with, and in a sea of people, there’s just no connection. Why? Did you not meet the criteria? Gosh, I wish somebody would just post a list somewhere with what I have to do, and I’ll do it.

I take that back. No I wouldn’t. Not in a million years.

This is where I struggle. (Here’s the gut-spilling part. Ick.) I’m so unapologetic of who I am. I don’t change for anybody. If something bothers me, I say it, and then avoid it. It’s just the way I work. And it puts a huge crimp in the business of making new friends. This is not a new discovery, this has been my life since kindergarten.

I remember hearing my first dirty joke. I was so upset and felt like I had done something wrong by listening and pretending to laugh because everyone else was laughing. I was 8. I tearfully told my mom about it and felt so much better, but also felt so weird, because nobody else thought it was wrong.

Yeah, that’s pretty much my life.

So I’ll never meet the criteria. At least, not all of it.

But I’m me. And I love people. I love making friends. I love getting to know new people, especially if they make me laugh.

“To have a friend, you have to be a friend”. I’m willing to do my part. I want to be remembered as someone who loved everybody. No matter what.

I don’t give a hooey about being popular. I don’t care if I get calls or emails or have stuff to do. But I really hope that if someone needs me, or just needs me to pray, that they would know I would.

My playlist has long since moved past Neil Young. Now we’re hanging out with Carole King. Doesn’t she sing, “You’ve got a friend”? Yep. I’ve got to get out of the 70’s music. It’s making me way too introspective.


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I Would Get You a Gift, And One More Thing…

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Hannah West  |  October 21, 2008 at 11:12 am

    hey, i’m still reading this blog of yours. i wish there were some equivalent in grownup world of walking down the hall in the webb after just moving in, sticking my head in people’s doors, and magically discovering a new friend for life. miss ya,


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