Ten Months

November 9, 2009 at 3:59 am Leave a comment

Our house has been for sale ten months.

Every single day I think about it. Every single time the phone rings, I hope it’s a realtor. Every single day I clean house, hoping for someone to come and want to live here.

We’ve had a good life in this house, but living here is not a good situation for our family anymore. Every day it seems like we add another reason to the list of why we need to move.

Just a few:
1. School. While homeschooling is great, and it is such a wonderful thing for so many families, it’s not the best thing for us right now. We don’t have a permanent spot in the house to set up school, and when Paisley is home we can’t work. When the realtor calls and wants to show the house, we have to shut down school. The inconsistency is killing us, and my son deserves better than that.
2. The Drive. We live 20 minutes away from everything we do. We are so involved in our church, and are usually making a trip to Madison once or twice a day. This has resulted in our kids being in the car for a lot more time than I believe is healthy for young kids.
3. Neighbors. We have none. We want some.
4. Space. Our kids have outgrown their living space. The girls share a room upstairs and a very small closet. It’s almost impossible to get their clothes in there. They need their own space, and we need more furniture, which I don’t want to buy before we move.  So it’s getting a bit cluttered in their space, so they drag their stuff into our space. We all share the downstairs bathroom, which is small, so you can imagine how that goes every morning and bedtime!
5. Garage. We have a carport. It’s really cute, and we keep it very clean. But with all the bikes and riding toys we have, we need a spot for them to stay dry and clean.
6. Friends. I want to have people over all the time. I want to be centrally located where folks can stop by. I want to cook Sunday dinner for the people I love.
7. Witness. I want my Sunday School girls to come over whenever they want to. I want to be closer to them so I can be involved in their lives. I want my kids friends to come to our house and know that it is a safe, happy place where nobody will be made fun of or hurt.

I could go on and on, but this is sounding like a pity party.

I know that, compared to so many that are struggling with terrible issues right now, this doesn’t seem like a big deal. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I am! I have a terrific husband and a strong, healthy marriage. I am healthy and God is using me and working in my life. I have three bright, happy, creative children that are exactly what I hoped for.

I shouldn’t want more than that.

But I do. I am tired of being tired from the long drive. I’m tired of the screaming in the car. I’m tired of having to leave really early and get home late. I’m tired of being late to doctor appointments because the highway traffic is so slow. I’m tired of feeling isolated and alone out here. I’m so tired of feeling inadequate and stupid because I am still adjusting to homeschool.

I’ve struggled with my faith on this issue. I have been through a lot in my life, but I have never questioned whether God could do something. And I still don’t question the fact. I know who he is, and that he is in control. I just wonder why it seems like he has forgotten about us. But at the same time, I know he hasn’t. I have so much information about God. I’ve studied, I’ve learned, I know the truth. But right now, I don’t feel.

And that’s okay, because you can’t trust feelings anyway. Feelings come and go and change like the wind. Regardless of how I feel, I will worship him because he’s God. He saved me. Because of him, I have joy and peace and eternal life. I’m not under condemnation or dealing with guilt and shame.

I’m free.

Which means I am free from worry that he’s got our situation covered. I need to get to the place where I can reconcile my feelings about that. I’m not there yet. But I know God can get me there.

Even if it takes ten months.

 

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