Archive for January, 2010

You Would Think I’d Get the Hang of This by Now.

I am a bad mother. Maybe. I don’t know.

I love my kids, really I do, but they make me furious. The demands, the complaining, the whining, it’s all just getting to be a bit much.

I have spent the last six years wondering what the formula is to get them to calm down. Now, let me say this: I love that they’re high spirited. I love that they think for themselves. I love that they are funny and creative and honest. My kids are mostly happy and fun to be around.

But I am around other kids who don’t seem to whine quite as much. Or is it just that I only hear and am bugged by my kids?

Or is the problem that I compare them to others, when they are just being who they are?

Or am I not strict enough?

Or am I too strict and they’re rebelling?

I have no idea. All I know is that I love them, and I tell them that many, many times every day. I tell them that God loves them and that Jesus came because God loves them so much. Some days, it’s the best I can do. I tell them that they are special and unique and that they are created in God’s image and that he has a plan just for them.

I just can’t get them to stop climbing on things or rolling around in the floor in public places. They are so comfortable wherever they go, that they think the world is a playground, made just for them.

So it’s hard to teach them that no, they can’t behave like that, while at the same time teaching them to be confident in who they are, and not scared of everything. More than anything, I don’t want to break their spirits.

It’s so hard.

I have no answers.

I guess we could just stay in our house all the time. But then I’d go crazy and have to be put away.

Am I normal here? I mean, I know I’m not normal…I’ve accepted that. But surely others deal with this. Is there a solution that I’ve missed out on somewhere? I don’t know that I want advice, because I probably won’t take it. I just want some validation that I’m not crazy.

And if you don’t have advice, or validation to offer…then does anybody have a cabin in the mountains where I can go for a week or so by myself? Thanks.


January 30, 2010 at 3:20 am 6 comments

And How Was Your Day?

Mine was fine, thanks.

I have been a blog slacker. I do not like this, not one little bit. But the honest-to-goodness truth is that I have had much to say, but haven’t known how to say it.

And being a minister’s kid, I know as well as anybody that delivery is as important as content.

I have about five posts right now in my drafts folder. There are things I want to say, but don’t feel like they would be well received. I live for being well received, so I write those posts and then save them away, knowing no one will ever read them. I guess then, that my drafts folder is like my little diary of soapbox rants, which in the end, never do anybody any good anyway.

So I’ll move on to safer subject, such as this: I have just eaten ten or more Pop-Ice popsicles. One right after the other. I’m addicted, and very, very cold. So I’m typo-ing all over the place because my fingers aren’t working right now.

I’m having a bad hair day today. It’s in a ponytail, locked up safe right now, because it has looked like the end of a witch’s broom all day. On most days, I feel like the only physical attribute I have is my hair. Today, I had to wear extra mascara because the hair was not making a positive statement. Do you have days like that?

Last night, my daughter (the five year old) was upstairs with the other two kids and decided she wanted something off of her shelf. Her shelf is a hutch unit thing on top of a dresser. She rolled Paisley’s bed over so she could climb up (I strongly dislike the wood floors upstairs) and reached for whatever she was wanting. The shelf tipped forward. Her music box collection crashed to the floor.

Gosh, it hurts my heart so much to actually type that. But it all came crashing down, just like the career of a lead singer in an 80s hair band.

My mom has been giving Molly a music box every Christmas as a collection. Mom is big on collections. I have a snow globe collection, my brother has Nutcrackers. I have a Department 56 Snow Village, my sister in law has the Dickens Village. She loves giving us stuff like this. I personally think it’s because shopping is much faster when you’re buying in a set, but she won’t admit to that.

So anyway, the music boxes from the last 5 years all hit the floor. Except the very first one she received as a baby, thank goodness. It was devastating. Molly cried harder than I’ve ever seen. Her face broke out in splotches and she had to run out of the room. She wasn’t severely punished, because she really did punish herself. She does have to go to my parents and tell them what she did. I dread that for her, although they will be gracious as usual.

But after it was all over, the tears were dry and the glass cleaned up, we sat in the kitchen and talked about it. I was explaining to Molly that although she thinks she can do grownup things, she is not a grownup. She can’t get things off of the shelf without asking us, and so on. Michael (who is nicer than me) sat down with the kids and said, “Guys, God protected you all tonight. That shelf could have come down on your heads or your chest and we’d be at the hospital right now.”

Aidan quickly responded, “But I saved everybody! I pushed it back when it started to tip over!” (This is true, he was quick with the reflexes for the first time EVER.)

Michael told him, “Yes, you did great, but God helped you do that, Aidan. He was in the room and protected you all.”

Aidan turns to walk off, raises his hands up above his head in fists and proclaims, “God gave me the Power! I AM A HERO!”

Molly was the first to laugh, then we all got started and all of the tension from the crash, the fear of injury, the anger and frustration over the cleanup was gone.

We owe a lot to that skinny six year old with the loose front tooth. According to him, he saved two lives and then provided entertainment.

And we were worried because he’s having trouble with subtraction. Shame on us.

January 27, 2010 at 4:31 am 1 comment

Out With The Old…

December was one of the hardest months I’ve ever lived through. Saying goodbye to my Mamaw, breaking my foot, a million and a half church activities, Christmas shopping while not being able to drive for three weeks, dealing with anger, frustration, and grief about things that I had no control over…it all took a major toll on my body and heart.

But there was also joy. Joy that came in moments of brightness that was so strong that it was overpowering. That kind of joy that knocks your socks off. My kids faces on Christmas morning. Singing to my Mamaw in the hospital room with my mom, brother and aunt. Having my first two non-church singing engagements and getting to work on music day and night for weeks. Seeing my Mamaw honored by well over a thousand people who came to show their love. Experiencing the body of Christ through my Sunday School class who brought me dinner for two weeks because I couldn’t walk or drive. Playing video games on a big screen at my brothers’ house while kids ran around to celebrate the New Year. Enrolling Aidan in a great school to finish out the first grade.

There was so much joy.

It was all so much to participate in and process that I had to take a break from writing about it. I had pockets of time where I could have, but to put all of that in words would have been impossible in the moment.

I try hard to live in such a way that every thing that happens is a big deal. Living like this makes for a great life, and awesome experiences, but it’s exhausting. I’m not good at just watching things happen, I want to be in the middle of the happening. That means I have to go through a “let down” after every big event in my life. I feel like I’ve been in the let down for a week or so now.

So, I’m taking it easy today. We have a Saturday with almost no plans, just a wedding to attend this evening. I’m going to clean house, play with my kids and try to stay warm. My 34th year begins on Monday, so I guess I’d better gear up for that. This year has been amazing and wonderful. I went back and read my blog posts from this year. God taught me so much. My kids grew so much. My friends and family grew to mean so much. I wish I could express half of the gratitude that I feel, but even that is too much to put into words.

So…here’s to January, and all of it’s new beginnings. May we all know and love Christ more completely, and love each other more honestly.

January 9, 2010 at 2:30 pm Leave a comment

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