Archive for December, 2010

Meandering

I’m thinking about a lot of things. Most of the time, when I write a post about what I’m thinking, it ends up in the “drafts” pile, and never gets posted. That is partly due to the fact that I’ve lived in a fishbowl all of my life, and spend excess amounts of energy making sure I don’t offend anyone in the slightest. It’s also partly due to the fact that I was taught to assume that I’m the least important person I know, and nobody really cares what I think. So I don’t say what I think about a lot of things.

But I’m wondering about dreams these days. Not the weird stuff that happens in your brain when you sleep. I haven’t seen Inception, but just the premise freaks me out a little…and intrigues me. But that’s beside the point.

I mean the dreams that we all have about what we want to do and who we want to be. I’ve been very open about my childhood and teenage dreams. It’s no big deal to tell folks I always wanted to sing country music. People just laugh and move on because they know, as do I, that it’s never gonna happen. I’m not skinny and blonde. I don’t play an instrument or write songs. I’ve never been in a band (much to my disappointment). I’m almost 34, and I drive my kids around in a scratched up minivan. Being a professional singer is such a far cry from my reality, I shouldn’t even think about it.

But I do.

I don’t think about being a country singer anymore. I don’t even really listen to a lot of country music, except for my dude, Brad Paisley. My dream has evolved to being in a worship band and being used by God to lead worship in a church or camp or conference setting. That’s my dream.

One of them, at least.

My other one is to be a writer. I know, I know. To be a writer, you have to WRITE, and I’ve been so sporadic, even on the blog. But I love to write when the thoughts are flowing and no one is pulling on my pants leg. I like to write about what matters, although my opinions about what matter are quite different than the world’s. I want to write about being a wife and a mom, and I want to make people laugh. I want to help someone realize that there is so much joy in this journey. I want to write about surviving teenage years with no regrets and lots of good memories. I want to write about how to just love our neighbors, when our culture says to keep up with our neighbors.

I want to write. But I don’t know where to start.

I have other dreams, but I already feel pretty naked here on the blog. Sharing what’s in my heart is scary. I guess it’s a good time to do it though, because only about four people still read it. I’ve always wanted this to be more, but I have never learned how to join a blog network, or to attract more readers. Most of the tips I’ve read say to not be wordy…and well, that just ain’t who I am. I’m nothing if not verbose.

Michael and I have been talking a lot about this stuff lately. He’s got dreams of his own that have not been realized, and we don’t know which direction to go in to realize them. His dreams involve a lot more than mine do, because they involve his career.

I have so many questions, but I don’t know who to ask. For example, do only people with connections get to actually realize their dreams? Does God open more doors for Christians who are “public figures” because they know more people? At what point in life do you give it up, because of age or circumstances or whatever?

I was raised to “do what made me happy”. So I’m happy with my family, because that’s what I was taught was important, after a relationship with Jesus. But I’ve wondered for years now if there is more that I should have strived for, and didn’t, because my goal was to be happy, and not to succeed or achieve anything. I’m not talking about money or fame, I just wonder if I sold myself short because I never tried to get into a band or never tried to get a writing job. I got the best things, Michael and the kids, but I just wonder if I would have ever been good enough. I wonder if I’ll ever know.

Thanks for understanding. I can’t control whether or not you judge me after reading this. You might immediately think I’m out of my ever-lovin’ mind. I’m okay with that, as long as you don’t comment and say so. If you have any insights, I’d love them. What are your dreams? Have you realized them, or do you dream “The Impossible Dream”? (Yeah, if it was to marry Prince William and become Queen of England, you’re pretty much out of luck. Sorry about that.)

My eyes are heavy, and my mind is full, so I’m going to go to sleep and see what sort of wackiness lurks in the sleeping kind of dreams tonight. Maybe I’ll have better luck deciphering what to do with that.

December 29, 2010 at 4:44 am 2 comments

December

This month has not been our best.

What is it about December? Last year was rough, with the broken foot and losing my Mamaw. The year before was okay, but it was just so busy and I was a Grinch. This year, it’s been Michael’s work and getting sick and too much going on.

Now it’s almost over and I’ve missed it. I’m bummed about that.

I want to write on the blog every day, but nobody wants to read about my life lessons, and I just don’t have it in me to make my life sound funny, although it really is. I can do it on Facebook, probably because I can sum it up in just a sentence or two, but telling a story just makes me tired these days.

My kids are merry and bright, and everyone is excited about Christmas. I’ve got the Charlie Browns, though, and just want to lie in bed.

So hopefully, I’ll get in the spirit soon, and find it within myself to celebrate, even though I don’t really feel like it.

It’s not about me anyway.

December 21, 2010 at 8:43 pm Leave a comment

I’m Gonna Add Michael to the Prayer List

Today, we were driving home from lunch (and a quick Christmas shopping trip) and Aidan and Paisley were having one of their arguments that seem to be more and more frequent these days.

Paisley says, “I don’t want to go to heaven.” ¬†Aidan replies, “Paisley, you HAVE to go to heaven! Mama will be there. Don’t you want to be with Mama?”

Paiz shot back, “No! I wanna be with Daddy!”

 

December 12, 2010 at 8:28 pm Leave a comment


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