Success

I’ve decided that except for Jesus living in me, I pretty much stink as a person.

I’ve done nothing of real value, if you go by the standards of success our world sets.

I don’t make any money. I am not a public figure (unless you count all the opinions my hair receives when I change it). I don’t know how to make cute things, or save money by couponing or reselling stuff or recycling old furniture from Goodwill. I usually say too much, too often, and it doesn’t mean anything to anybody.

I’ve started and stopped homeschooling. I’ve started and stopped grad school. I’ve started and stopped writing a book (seriously. Don’t make fun. You have dreams too).

I have no idea what to do with my life after this time as a stay at home mom is up…and the clock is ticking. My gifts are weird and pretty much useless unless someone else gives me the chance to use them. I don’t have gifts and talents that are self-starting. I can’t volunteer my gifts. I have to be asked.  It puts me in a weird place, wanting to use my gifts for the sole purpose of glorifying God, but unless someone else asks me to, I’m not using my gifts. Then I feel stunted, and dependent on others, and I can’t stand being dependent on others. Even admitting what my gifts are is strange, because people can be opinionated and mean, so I hesitate putting myself “out there” and hoping nobody thinks I’m arrogant. It’s not arrogance at all. It’s just claiming what God has gifted me to do. Why is that bad? Actually using my gifts doesn’t scare me, but claiming them does.

So here I am: staring my future in the face, wondering what on earth the God of the universe could do with a mess like me.

But on the other hand…

My kids are smart, healthy, kind, funny and loved.

My marriage is strong. Our friendship is amazing. Our love for one another is deep.

My family is terrific. I love and am loved by my parents and brother. I have a heritage of faith and love that is rare.

My health is good. My mind is sharp. My personality is okay. My sense of humor is weird. My friends are wonderful.

My LORD is GOD. It is HE that made me this way, and I belong to Him. He has given me these blessings, and I haven’t even scratched the surface of all the rest of them.

He sees past the starting and stopping (which I called failures until I backspaced over that word). He sees past the insecurity of having gifts that nobody seems to want me to use. He sees past the lack of direction. He compares me to NO ONE.

Let me say that again: He compares me to NO ONE. Not ONE person. He made me unique, special, unlike anybody else on this earth. My only standard is Christ Jesus himself. That’s a high standard. It is pure perfection and holiness.

I’ll never reach it. God knows that. That’s why there’s grace.

I’m about to cry, so I need to wrap this up. I have so much stored up right now in my soul. I have so much wanting to bust out of my heart and I want to spend the rest of my days on my face or with my hands raised high and singing praise to the one who made me just like this. Not because he made me just like this. I told you. I’m a mess.

But because He is capable of doing anything with the mess that I am.

Because He’s God. There is no other. There never has been, and never will be.

He’s walked with me for almost thirty years, and for every one of those years, I have a testimony of his love, grace, mercy and presence. I reach out and He is always there. Unfailing. Unwavering. Unchanging.

I’m so needy. My heart hurts so bad when I fail. When I feel like I’m not good enough. Only by the richness of who He is do I not feel like I have to be good enough for Him anymore. I know He loves me just like this. But even though He compares me to no one, I still compare myself, and feel like I will never measure up.

Oh, Lord Jesus. Father. Daddy…I only want to see you when I want affirmation on my worth. I know that the only reason I’m here is to glorify your name to the world and in the church. I want that to be the reason I breathe. Help me. Forgive me for not believing that I am who you say I am. Thank you, Praise you, for your neverending, never failing love and grace. I need it to cover me so completely that I can’t be seen anymore. Use me, Father. However you want. Make me who you want me to be.